Hemingway Does Not Eat Bacon

             The three little pigs and their mother lived in a little cottage in downtown Paris. The cottage that they lived in barely had enough room for a stove and two beds and four pigs. So, one at a time the mother sent the pigs out into the world to make their fortunes. The pigs left home in the middle of a warm, fall day and the first pig met a farmer with a full cart of freshly harvested straw and asked if he could use some of the straw to build his house. The walls were built out of straw and the door was built out of straw and the chimney was built out of straw. After building his house, the first pig was sitting comfortably by his fireplace reading a book when a wolf knocked at the door. The wolf was hungry and his neck was as thin as the straw in the pig’s house and his old feet were tired from wandering around looking for pigs to eat.

            “Let me in, let me in, little pig,” the wolf said. “Or I will huff and I will puff and I will blow your house down.”

            “You cannot,” said the first pig. “Not as long as I have the hair on my chin that makes me a man, and you do not.”

            This made the wolf think about his manliness. The wolf blew the house down, and the first pig ran away to the forest. The wolf was tired and even hungrier now that he blew the house down.

            The second pig had just finished building his house out of sticks when the first pig ran into the house, out of breath.

            “Brother, a big bad wolf just blew my house of straw down and I barely escaped with my life,” explained the first pig.

            “Don’t worry brother, my house is surely strong enough to hold off that wolf,” replied the second pig.

            The wolf had followed the first pig to the stick house and he smelled the second pig and he was hungry.

            “Let me in, let me in, little pigs,” the wolf said. “Or I will huff and I will puff and I will blow your house down.”

            “You cannot,” said the first pig. “Not as long as we have hair on our chins, and you do not.”

            The wolf blew down the house of sticks and the two pigs ran to their third brother’s house. The wolf was tired. The wolf thought about what the pigs had said, and he thought about how his inability to grow a beard and become a man caused his friends to exile him. The wolf saw the third house and looked at the strong bricks that formed the walls of the house and he smelt the third pig.

            “This third pig is smart,” the wolf said. “His house is made of strong bricks that will surely protect him. I respect that third pig, even though I think that his brothers are idiots and untrustworthy. Perhaps I should not kill the pigs. They are like me but I must eat them either way.”

            “Let me in, let me in, little pigs,” the wolf said. “Or I will huff and I will puff and I will blow your house down.”

            “You cannot,” said the third pig. “Not as long as we have hair on our chins, and you do not.”

            The wolf tried to blow the brick house down but his lungs would not work. The bricks were too strong and he was too weak and tired. The wolf took one big, last breath and tried to blow the house down but the bricks remained strong. The wolf was still hungry and tired and he collapsed on the ground, exhausted.